Since the season finale of The Hills, I’ve gotten a few comments on the recap I wrote for the first episode of that season. Some think it’s funny; others are annoyed by the season number being off. But I ask: Does it really matter?

If someone enjoys what I write, great! It’s all meant as dry, tongue-in-cheek humor, which some people like and others don’t. And when you break it down even further, it’s a recap about a reality show. A “reality” show that we all know is scripted and so far from reality it’s not even funny.

Moreover, it seems people are judging me and the entire site by one post and a few comments attached to it, which is pretty limited if you actually think about it. I don’t need everyone to like me or this site, and the site itself was created for my friends. We share some of the same guilty pleasure television shows, and they like reading what I write. So I started writing for them—to make them laugh. And I love to make my friends laugh, so in no way is that a waste of my time or cause for me to “get a life.”

If strangers stumble upon my site and also think it is funny, then I’m happy to make them laugh, and I hope they come back for more. But for the others who don’t like what I write or get irritated over the minutia of a season number, I just shrug them off because this site isn’t for them anyways. And that’s OK. I’m sure there is a site out there you’d like, and that’s the one you should read.

Thanks to everyone who stops by, and have a great summer!

Sarcasm
Pronunciation:
\ˈsär-ˌka-zəm\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
French or Late Latin

1: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
2 a: a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual b: the use or language of sarcasm

Audrina and J-Bob look at a great apartment, and he asks her if she’s mentioned moving out to LC. Yeah, probably not.

Spencer arrives at the former love shack to find Heidi is nowhere to be found, so he calls Stephanie over. After zero persuasion or pressure, Stephanie caves and says she’ll tell Spencer where Heidi is if he promises not to lose whatever is left of his mind. He (fake) promises, and before she even finishes saying “Las Vegas,” he asks Stephanie if he’s going there alone or is she coming with him.

Let’s stop and break this down for a second. We all know how well his trip to Colorado went when he tried to win her back, and now he wants to do the exact same thing only in front of her bosses. You don’t have to ask me twice! I’m riding shotgun to see this ship sink for the last time—and in person.

But Stephanie has to live with this tool, or at least admit they’re related, so she begs him not to do anything stupid. But, again, before she even finishes, he and his sad excuse for facial hair are heading to LAX.

Whitney and LC are organizing clothes for Kelly the Reaper and thumbing their collective noses at her all-black dress code. They talk about Audrina and how she may want to move out, and Whitney offers that it might be weird among the three of them because LC and Lo are like sisters. LC says the only thing they had in common was that they lived together. Ouch.

Spencer drives into Vegas with Stephanie riding shotgun as she says “I don’t want to be an accomplice.” Too late. And then she stays way out of the problem at hand by calling Heidi on her cell to figure out where she is. Way to be Switzerland.

Spencer pulls into the hotel, leaves Stephanie in the car, and crashes business drinks with Heidi and her bosses. She follows him as the bosses are left wondering what the hell happened. They joke that Brent needs to find a new project manager.

Spencer begs Heidi to return to L.A. because he can’t stand their being apart anymore, which conveniently coincides with her leaving town. Never mind he had plenty of time to think of ways to win her back and stop being an idiot while he was putting a permanent dent in his sister’s couch.

She returns to the table and Brent tells her to get things under control and that she has some decisions to make. And everyone leaves her at the table.

Over at the Maxi Pad, LC and Lo are making what I’m guessing is supposed to be a roommate’s dinner. But Audrina has other plans and blows past the house, which shocks LC and Lo.

Back in Vegas, Brent is waiting on Heidi but after two voice mails and no Heidi, he and his boss take off for the airport. And if you believe MTV’s editing, Heidi was already at the airport but with Spencer and Stephanie. I’m not quite sure how public embarrassment wins someone back, and I don’t know how she still has a job after that stunt.

Back in Hell-A, they walk into their love shack together. Farewell girls’ nights out.

LC confronts Audrina on their troubles, and Audrina actually grows a pair and stands up for herself. Not much is accomplished other than Audrina claiming LC ignores her and LC asking for examples but not getting any. They don’t make any progress in this conversation, and we’re left hanging—if you consider this a viable story that could leave anyone hanging.

And we’re done! Although the finale hosts claim there’s a “season four,” which not only make me wonder if MTV decision-makers are smoking crack but also leads me to the decision that if there is another season and I risk brain cells to document it, I will list it as “season 4, part 2” out of spite. 

Heidi meets with her boss Brent to ask for more work and responsibility now that the company is expanding to open hotels nationally. He mentions the new hotel in Las Vegas, and she’s all gung-ho and claims to be up for the challenge. Other than having the story arc backing of MTV, is she really qualified to do anything other than lick envelopes?

She later rolls up on her one friend at work to share the good and bewildering news that she’s now a project manager working on Brent’s hotel expansion.

Heidi later tells Stephanie and swears her to secrecy because her leaving for Las Vegas is none of Spencer’s business. She claims the upgrade in duties and travel to the Loose Morals Capital of the World will help her “clear her head.” And I hate to say She-Pratt is the voice of reason, but even she wasn’t buying this crap because we all know people travel to Vegas to forget their problems back home while gaining new ones like an unexpected spouse or an STD.

Lo and LC lounge poolside at the Maxi Pad and wonder aloud whether they should bother waking Audrina while not really doing anything other than reapplying their suntan oil. Audrina later surfaces and asks the Siamese Twins if they want to come and hear a new band called Alkaline Trio record over at Epic Records.

Lo makes a stinky face and once Audrina is out of earshot, Lo mumbles that all she wants to do is shop. I’m a Lo fan, but girlfriend needs to lighten up a little.

The band is laying down some tracks, as they like to say in the biz, when LC and her begrudging sidekick show up. You’d think Lo would at least be entertained by her reflection in the recording room window even if the band can’t keep it, but she quickly starts ignoring everyone and starts texting, much to Audrina’s annoyance.

Three seconds later Lo claims to be ravenous and dying for sushi. LC asks Audrina to come along, but some people actually work on this show and she stays behind. On the way out, it clicks for LC that maybe Audrina wanted them to stay longer, but LC will make it all better by getting her a little gift, like a “Chateau Audrina” sign she can hang on her guesthouse door. And I didn’t make that up.

Or you could stop living in your own little world, tell Lo to buck up, and support all of your friends. That option is free (and not something you have to dig up and showcase when the giver comes over) but makes for a less interesting plot line.

LC tries to continue the “How do you solve a problem like Audrina” conversation at the sushi place, but Lo puts it to rest by saying it’s different because she and LC have been friends since they were zygotes. And I guess that means you can only have one friend in life. Lo must have some kind of mind control over LC because the conversation quickly dies.

Lo and LC adopt a puppy, which worries me because we’ve seen at least one dog and one cat throughout this show and neither has been seen again. I fear this dog will eventually disappear, too.

Audrina walks in and learns the hard way that she’s now number four on the list of important roommates as Chloe, the new pooch, becomes number three with a bullet. Audrina eventually leaves, but only Chloe is sad to see her go.

Later on Audrina darkens the main house doorsteps again with Justin-Bobby in tow. They pause to make sure no one’s home, as if she’s sneaking her unwelcomed boyfriend past her overbearing parents. They make lunch and talk about Audrina’s roommate issues, and J-Bob lightly suggests she look for a place of her own.

Thank you, Mr. Obvious. And then Audrina acts like she came up with the idea all on her own.

Over at Stephanie’s apartment, Spencer is still sofa surfing and working on growing some facial hair, which would be enough to kick his ass to the proverbial curb, but it takes a misplaced bottle of Coffeemate and soon-to-be-stale bread to really get Stephanie good and pissed. She tells him to load his crap into Glad bags and get the hell out.

Spencer has no friends, so he drags the Glad bags over to his old place only to find Heidi’s not there because she’s on an airplane to Las Vegas with her boss and his boss. Ya know, to “clear her head.”

He’s one of the lucky ones because she’s found two new people with whom to bore her lame love life. Wake me when the final is on.

Next week: The finale!!!

LC, Lo, and Audrina move into the nicest house I’ve ever seen for 22-year-olds, and it makes my heart ache knowing that at their age, I was living in a college crack den. Then again, I had a real college experience and they didn’t. And they’d probably say they get paid money to film their dull lives whereas I’m still paying off my college experience. Touché, bitches.

Audrina skips off to the guest house. Although she’s there voluntarily, there seems to be weirdness between the dynamic duo of Lo and LC and that of Audrina. And anyone who knows a girl knows that a female trio is hell on wheels because it always ends up being two against one at different times.

They yap about it being a party house and how LC wants to throw the best housewarming party EVER! So they start sending out the invites, and MTV casually asks LC’s former high school flame to make a cameo in order to make this show somewhat interesting.

In my opinion, the only saving grace of this 30-mintues corpse is Lo and her one-liners. Upon hearing THE Stephen Colletti will grace the Maxi Pad with his presence, Lo squeals, “That melts my little black heart!”

Over lunch Lo asks LC how long she crushed on Stephen, and LC, earning every dime MTV pays her, makes a dramatic turn to Lo and gives her best Days of Our Lives stare down as she says, “I never stopped.” Thankfully LC tries to inject some drama into this show because it’s a real snooze-fest. Seriously. My cat is more entertaining.

The trio is in the kitchen doing something or other and each one rattles off the invites. Lo and LC act as if Audrina dropped a stink bomb after she hit the all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet as she mumbles that she invited Justin-Bobby. Lo jokes that maybe he’ll wear his cowboy hat, to which Audrina gives a seething stare her way. I sense a fight brewing.

Lo asks LC if she invited Stephen as a “friend” or as a “friend-friend,” and LC begs her not to get all ninth grade on her because she lacks a sense of humor about herself and her story arc.

It looks like Spencer has relocated from a couch in Stephanie’s apartment to a couch at some Hell-A coffee shop. The two meet up so Stephanie can ask permission to attend LC’s party. It ends with bad results, as does Stephanie’s next stop: Heidi’s apartment.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Joan Jett, but what is Heidi wearing, exactly? It’s a cross between Joan Jett and Sandra Dee’s “bad girl” outfit at the end of Grease. Yeah, just another casual day, huh, Heidi?

Naturally, Heidi is ticked about Stephanie going to the party and the drones on about how shady Stephanie is but she’s really talking in circles because she’s pissed if Stephanie doesn’t tell her she’s meeting Satan LC and she’s pissed if she does tell her. Heidi eventually sucks the life out of Stephanie and manipulates her into a “girl’s night in” for movies. The only thing that could be worse is if Heidi forced Stephanie to wear matching shiny leggings and wooden platforms.

I’m so over this LC/Heidi/Spencer fight that I’m under it. Move on, MTV. And I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Over at the Best House Party of All Time, Brody shows up with a juicer and girlfriend Cora in tow. Lo, always the comedian, opines that Cora is really pretty and has really big breast, and it’s followed by a lovely pan to Cora’s rack. Always the class act, MTV.

Stephen shows up with what looks like a bag of potpourri (thanks, but no thanks), and LC shows him some lame ass flower in her garden while Lo looks on willing their hearts to beat as one. And by the way, LC “showing Stephen her ‘flower’” isn’t code for anything more than a real flower in the real garden.

I’m so bored and I’m not even at the party.

Justin-Bobby shows up with a haircut that makes me fall in love with him all over again, and he skips off to Audrina’s love shack to pet what I’m guessing is a dog although we only see a blob of black curls, which could be pubes. The yap about how awkward it will be with Lo and LC because they don’t like The Bobby, but he doesn’t care because he has a new ‘do and a motorcycle. And chicks dig him.

The next night Stephen shows up in jeans and a hoodie to take LC, who’s all decked out in some off-the-shoulder number, to dinner. She and Lo pontificate whether it’s a date, and they agree it must be because he (read: MTV) asked her to go.

Dinner is about as fun as LC’s party, and the two talk about how great it is to be friends and how they’ll always be platonic, blah, blah, blah. On the way home, they must have been trying to fill dead air because LC reminds Stephen about their high school days and how he always got her home on the dot of her curfew. He adds that he was always a safe driver because he used protection, and he had to be mindful because he was carrying precious cargo.

LC gives him the surprise stare all girls give the guy who seems to be coming around to their way of romantic thinking even though two beats earlier he said he just wants to be friends. Not only is MTV enabling this dead-end love affair, but poor LC has no idea that by “precious cargo,” he meant his other girlfriend who was waiting somewhere in the back of his SUV so they could make out.

He drops her off at the curb, which is a bad sign if you want him to be interested in you, and LC walks into the house to find Lo in the kitchen downloading porn. LC digs into some ice cream and says they’re just friends.

“Maybe one day it’ll work out and you’ll get married because that’s what I want,” says Lo. And so does money-hungry MTV, Lo.

Next week: The girls adopt a puppy and even he seems to get more lovin’ than Audrina; Stephanie finally kicks out her deadbeat brother; Heidi goes to Las Vegas to open a new hotel for her boss.

I had planned on blogging about Cycle 10 of ANTM, and I made it most of the way through the season. But I don’t think I can go on. I probably wrote something similar last cycle and then ended up writing Cycle 10 posts anyway. The writing isn’t the difficult part–it’s mobilizing my inner troops to actually watch the show.

Once again, LC thumbs her nose at Reaper’s Rules by wearing white to work. She and Whitney confab, per usual, and exclaim how excited they are to be working together again. Sadly, we do not get to see LC giving her notice to Anna Lite.

So, it is with a tear in our eye that we bid adieu to Anna Lite. Godspeed, dear friend. If you’re lucky, you’ll get an MTV spin-off.

Lo, Audrina, and LC are getting dressed for a night out, and someone mentions that Stephanie will be coming, too. Lo, ever the comedian says tongue-in-cheek: “Maybe [Stephanie] will bring Heidi.” LC, having learned from Anna Lite, gives Lo her best withering stare and Lo shuts up and goes back to the Teen Vogue intern closet to catalog clothes.

Somewhere in Hell-A Heidi is getting ready with Stephanie for yet another “girl’s night,” and Heidi pontificates on whether Audrina will bring LC along. Um, yeah. Or if she doesn’t, I’m sure an up-and-coming MTV lackey will tell her to make a cameo.

Heidi must have eaten a brain fart sandwich for lunch because she wonders aloud if LC will be able to tolerate Heidi’s presence now that she’s without Spencer. Yeah, I’m sure she’ll completely forget all of the nasty things you said about her. And then Heidi claims to not have a problem with LC. Of course you don’t. Now that you’re sans Beavis and pitching girl’s night like it’s the second coming of Christ, you’re looking for a body count at these events.

Everyone heads out to some club that allows MTV to film on-site, and Heidi stares forlornly at LC’s table, commenting to Stephanie about how Lauren appears to be in a good mood. “Let’s go over,” one of them says, clearly planning to kill the good mood swiftly and cleanly. But they wait to strike until the right moment—when Lauren leaves the table.

Heidi plops down next to her good friend Audrina, and the two yuck it up about Justin-Bobby being at the club, too. Seriously? Did MTV call every cast member and ask them to show up in the hopes of giving this show some much needed resuscitation?

Now that her sausage is out of the picture, Heidi does her best impression of a friend and offers to run defense on Justin-Bobby to keep him away from the table. But before she can run her play, LC returns and tells the bitches to shove down.

And then Justin-Bobby joins the sewing circle.

Heidi turns to Justin-Bobby and launches into some spiel about Lauren and why “can’t they be friends” (because you’re a back-stabbing bitch) and explains their history (of being a back-stabbing, Beavis-dating bitch). Surprisingly, Justin-Bobby seems enthralled by this story. Just wait until she’s told it to you for the nineteenth time.

Eventually Lauren gets up to leave because it’s awkward and the area is starting to stink of Justin-Bobby and his greasy hair. Justin-Bobby and Heidi are now best friends forever and leave to get matching tattoos.

Stephanie and Heidi do a girl’s night post-mortem, claiming it was progress because Lauren was at the same table as Heidi without trying to yank out her extensions. Heidi claims it’s weird between them, but no one cares (except Justin-Bobby) because we’ve been listening to this song for about thirteen episodes.

Lo and Lauren chat about moving in together, but wonder what they’ll do with Audrina. Lo suggests bringing Audrina and Justin-Bobby to the new place, which makes Lauren’s gag reflex go into overtime.

Justin-Bobby and Audrina meet for dinner, and he tells her that he moved to the beach, stopped drinking, and is working to get his shit together. He then says Heidi seemed really nice, which means he is clearly involved in heavy drug use and has lost his fucking mind. He asks Audrina what she’s doing later, to which she says she doesn’t know. And Justin-Bobby gives that signature eye twinkle/cocky smile that has lured women to make bad decisions for centuries. Girlfriend is in trouble. I almost threw my wallet at him through the tv after that smile. Here, take whatever you want!

Lauren and Audrina recap the night’s events, and in usual form, LC gives her best how-can-you-go-back-to-that-a-hole look. Audrina claims it’s just like LC going back to Stephen or Jason, but Lauren claims it’s not like that at all because she never went back to them. No, you only blew off a trip to Paris for a cokehead loser. Face it, sister, we’ve all made bad choices, sometimes repeatedly, for someone we loved. So can your Judgmental Judy impression.

Heidi shows up at the House of Pain to see Stephanie, who isn’t home, and is subsequently tortured by Spencer. Justin-Bobby is nowhere to be found, so she starts telling Spencer how awful girl’s night was because Lauren was there.

“I know you want to vent,” said Spencer, “but I don’t really care. Did you expect everything to be honky dory?” I’m starting to feel dirty all over again because he made me laugh. God I hate myself! Heidi’s not getting the attention she or the new breasts want, so she wanders off to talk to some strangers at the bus stop. But I have a feeling they’re tired of her, too.

Lo and LC are at lunch discussing their new living arrangements and whether to ask Audrina to be their Fonzie living above the garage. They worry that there isn’t enough disinfectant spray to tackle the infestation that is Justin-Bobby.

Audrina arrives and the two bring up the living situation in a way that sounds like an intervention to tell Audrina that she’s out on the street while Lo and LC live the high life.

I missed what happened before this, but Audrina says, “If you guys want me to move in, I will.” I can’t really tell if they asked her to or if she assumed they were inviting her, but she said it in the most unenthused way followed by Lo saying, “sure.”

And that’s how this story ends.

Next week: We have a new maxi pad! The girls plan a housewarming party, and LC is annoyed that Audrina invites Justin-Bobby. Stephen Coletti shows up. And Heidi confront Stephanie on her being friends with Lauren. Sounds like someone didn’t get an invite to the housewarming party.

Heidi shows up at Audrina’s work, and I can’t tell if it was a stalker move on Heidi’s part or if she and Audrina had lunch plans at the Epic Records cafeteria. Given that last week Audrina vowed to ex-communicate Heidi, this must be a stalking incident.

Maybe Audrina’s perfected Stockholm Syndrome because she seems to meander to the caf willingly and even tells Heidi she’s realized she shouldn’t be involved in the Heidi-Spencer-Lauren Fight of the Century. Heidi appears to gotten her claws in to Audrina, but Audrina is the slowest one in the heard.

Heidi blathers on about how she needs girl time and that she’s “gaining herself again,” which is a major achievement considering all of Heidi that’s on her plastic surgeon’s floor. She suggests a girls’ night out and asks Audrina to come along, and MTV leaves us hanging on the answer with some well appointed dramatic music.

Lauren shows up to work for Kelly the Reaper, and I read somewhere that she had worked for her before back in season one. Apparently The Reaper was so unimpressed with young Lauren that she vowed never to hire her. Well, prepare to eat your words, Reaper!

And then our collective hearts sink as Lauren promptly breaks Reaper’s Rules one and two: 1. only wear black and 2. no boobies. And then Reaper bitches that LC and company are slower than all get-out.

Over at the Broken Hearts Club, Spencer is making the world’s largest turkey sandwich, much to the annoyance of his landlord Stephanie. She takes off for girls’ night with Heidi and Spencer is left to stare malevolently at his overstuffed dinner. Cue sad music, MTV.

True to Stephanie form, she rolls into girls’ night and starts bitching about Spencer to Heidi, Audrina, and Chiara. Christmas will be awkward at the Pratt house this year. And because Stephanie told Spencer where girls’ night would be, he decides to show up with a friend and talk to girls.

Heidi makes a scene, of course, and yells at him before saying she’s leaving because she’s so upset.

The next day Lauren warns Audrina that Heidi might be messing with her just to get back at Lauren and Stephanie being friends. Funny, Stephanie was at girls’ night.

It’s dry run day for The Reaper and her crew, and I notice that Kelly is violating her all-black rule with a white t-shirt. She warns Whitney that she needs to herd the models onto the catwalk like she’s a “mother hen” or a “sheepherding dog.” In case Whitney is totally brain dead, The Reaper mentions that the models are the ones amused by shiny objects, taller than giraffe, and with coiffed hair. Oh, and “don’t fuck it up” she reminds Whitney.

Also at “work” is Heidi, who is really just paid to complain to her one friend on camera about her lame “boyfriend” and how he was doing shots with strange girls at the bar. Oh my, God! Not SHOTS! The angry villagers must teach him a lesson and stone him in the public square by throwing Jim Beam twist-off caps at him.

We close this touching moment with Heidi telling One Friend that she’s “never felt so betrayed before” Spencer had the insensitivity to show up at a public bar and speak to girls while drinking alcohol. “How can you love and hate someone so much?” she asks One Friend. To which I reply: I ask myself the same thing about this damn show on a weekly basis. Preach on, sister.

That night Heidi calls Spencer and asks him to come to her work so they can talk. I’m sure her boss is excited to know that all she does all day is complain about Spencer and then have relationship chats while she’s on the clock.

I hate myself for admitting this, but I had to side *shudder* with *gag* Spencer when he told Heidi: “You call it a ‘relationship vacation,’ but everyone else on Earth calls it breaking up.” Ugh. I need to go and hose myself down in bleach I feel so dirty.

Back at fashion work, Kelly the Reaper calls Whitney “a bitch in training” after she climbs on a ladder to yell for models to line-up for the catwalk. Lauren gets Reaper Rewards for getting the led out by going from “slow mo’ to fashion glow.” Is it just me, or does The Reaper make more sense when she’s flashing her fangs and tapping her cloven hoof at the staff than when she’s trying to be human?

The Reaper goes back on her word and hires Lauren, who immediately begins daydreaming of how she’ll break the news to Anna Lite. I wonder if this is an internship or a paid gig.

Next week: The return of Justin-Bobby! And he still has an ax to grind for Lauren. Lo and Lauren want to take their relationship to the next level and talk about moving in together right in front of Audrina. But if you read the gossip rags, you know the three of them move into Lauren’s new house, courtesy of MTV’s payroll.

I’m jazzed Nina Garcia will be doing a cameo on Ugly Betty. Apparently she’s no longer with Elle magazine. Let’s hope she sticks with Project Runway.

Whitney tells Lauren about her work trip to New York and comments on how much LC would love working at People’s Revolution with Kelly the Reaper. LC looks depressed when she realizes she has to go back to the Teen Vogue intern closet and shuffle clothes around.

Whitney’s in a staff meeting with The Reaper, and it seems to be fashion week in Hell-A because The Reaper is listing reasons why they should all be begging for jobs elsewhere and updating their resumes. She asks for complete devotion and no one should be so stupid as to think they can work from 9am-5pm because they’ll be here until 11pm every night.

Kelly the Reaper “doesn’t want to see boobs, piercing, tattoos, or eye rolling” and that she’s not there to be anyone’s friend. But she is there to remind everyone what happens to one’s personality when you go too long without getting laid. If a boss told me there was no eye rolling, the best thing I could do for my own safety would be to walk right then and there because my eyes have a tendency to just roll at the sound or sight of anything stupid.

After The Reaper pumps up the staff with her motivational speech inspired by the movie Rudy, she lays into some girl for not doing her job. Reaper’s head looks like it might explode, but Whitney has been trained by Anna Lite. So she jumps in to save the day, which makes Kelly the Reaper happy, and the no-good staffer gets to live another day.

Over at Teen Vogue, MTV’s producers ask LC to stare forlornly at Whitney’s empty desk, and then she calls her partner in crime. But Whit’s too busy to talk. Poor, Lauren.

Stephanie and Heidi get ready for a girls’ night out, and Heidi goes into the typical girl speech about how she missed her friends and really needs time with the ladies, which totally makes me roll my eyes because this is the exact spiel every girl gives to her friends who stuck around even though she dumped them at the site of a pork sword.

Audrina is at the same club as Steph and Heidi, so Heidi walks over to say hello and tell Audrina that she misses her and to call if she ever wants to talk or hang out. Funny you didn’t give a crap about your friends when you had a boyfriend. Yes, I’m bitter!

“I need my girlfriends,” Heidi tells Stephanie even though she doesn’t quite get that she doesn’t have any friends aside from the one at work.

The next day they’re shopping, so Heidi can redecorate the apartment in her post-Spencer phase. Heidi says she left some stuff at the old apartment, and makes a call to Audrina to come back to get some random mirror and a box of crap from her old boyfriends. Heidi plops down uninvited and starts laying into Stephanie and LC.

Audrina looks uncomfortable with Heidi anywhere near her, but before she leaves, Heidi reiterates that Audrina can call her anytime, like if she needs a trusted adult to talk to. She finally leaves.

When LC gets home Audrina tells her that Heidi came by to stink up the joint, which annoys LC not because she was there but because Heidi had the nerve to sit down. And on LC’s furniture! LC dons a Hazmat suit and busts out the industrial-strength cleaning products, so she can scour away the very thought of Heidi from the apartment.

Audrina keeps telling LC she’s no longer involved and has no intention of being friends with Heidi, and LC looks like she might go Kelly the Reaper on her. But LC keeps scrubbing as she yells “No wire hangers!”

Not that Audrina can’t be friends with whomever she pleases, but let’s be honest, she’s a total pushover and will eventually succumb to Heidi.

LC shows up at Whitney’s office and helps inventory clothes. It looks like another staffer might come over and smack her with a ruler for touching the clothes with her dirty hands, but instead Anonymous Staffer mentions that they might need help in a few weeks for the shows. LC finally sees a way out of Anna Lite’s intern closet.

Next week: Audrina and Heidi go out (shocker!) and they see Spencer out with a girl; LC works a show with Whitney and is offered a job.